Susanna Wolff's Web Presents

• 2013-03-14

  thedailywhat:

  Cool Story Bro of the Day: Minnesota Man’s Argument Against Marriage Equality

  Today’s weird argument against marriage equality is brought to you by Minnesota resident Mike Frey, who seems to be assured that (straight) women’s private parts have the magical ability to block HIV with a cellular tissue-based “barrier.” Bathing in ignorance before the State House’s legislative committee, Frey further goes on to single out sodomy as the cause of AIDS and warns of other possible diseases that could be spread by gay people.

  In the age of the Internet, there is no excuse for being factually incorrect. So, I propose a new rule:

  If you are speaking as an authority figure (teacher, politician, minister, this asshole, etc.), you should be fined for every provably wrong thing you say. That fine should be multiplied by the number of people listening to you. The money collected from these fines should go towards funding scientific research and education.

  Let’s fix the world, one overly confident moron at a time.

  Source: thedailywhat

• 2013-03-13

  

  Fixed it.

• 2013-03-03

  

  I’m moving out of my apartment. It’s probably about time I return this disc of “Caroline in the City” I rented 3 years ago.

• 2013-02-20

  

  collegehumor:

  Should You Shut the F*ck Up?

  I made a helpful chart for all the pain in the ass morons out there.

  Source: College Humor

• 2013-02-14

  Hot Valentine’s Day Tip:

  Eating a 3-inch rod of rock-hard Tootsie Roll is the least attractive thing a person can do.

• →

  I generally don’t like to be a sentimental person, but after what has probably been the best year of my life, I want to take this time to publicly thank my constant, loyal partner.

  Happy one year anniversary, Balloon That’s Been Stuck in the Tree Outside My Window. You make every day better.

  

• 2013-01-30

  joshruben:

  I had the pleasure of directing this sketch starring Jocelyn Deboer and Patrick Cassels. 

  I wrote this sketch with Pat. And I still haven’t watched Breaking Bad.

  Source: College Humor

• 2013-01-08

  

  collegehumor:

  Downton Abbey Character Name Guide

  Just jumping in to Downton Abbey? Or just bad at remembering people? Here’s the fastest, simplest character primer.

  I hope this helps.

  Source: College Humor

• →

  5 Hot New Diets to Get You in Shape for 2013

  1. Only eat foods that come in really hard to open packages. You burn calories in the struggle, and, by the time you reach the food, you probably won’t even want it anymore!

  2. Only eat food you hate. You’ll still eat it because you’re hungry, but you’ll complain the whole time!

  3. Only eat soufflés you make yourself. You don’t know how to make soufflés!

  4. Only eat crunchy foods in silent rooms full of people trying to work. The amount of time you spend trying to quietly slow-chew will make you think you’ve eaten more than you have!

  5. Eat less.

• 2013-01-07

  

  collegehumor:

  13 Things You Should Stop Doing in 2013 [Click for full list]
  

  Here are some things that bother me. If you do these things, stop. Thank you.

  (via streeter)

  Source: College Humor

• 2013-01-04

  Anonymous asked: Are you and Caldwell dating? My friends and I have a bet going on, please win me a pizza and a Netflix password so I can watch X-Files.

  

  Yep.

• 2013-01-03

  rancer-cape asked: You're so unfunny it's actually really painful. I'm sorry about being rude but that facebook thing made me physically ill.

  Don’t worry about being rude, rancer-cape. You gotta do what you gotta do, rancer-cape. I understand, rancer-cape. Sorry you didn’t like my Facebook History, rancer-cape. Thank you for your message, rancer-cape. 

• →

  

  Remember last year when I spent a ridiculous amount of time putting the entire history of the universe into a Facebook news feed? Well, I did the same thing for the events of 2012.

  I hope you read it, but I’ll settle for a polite skimming too.

• 2012-12-18

  If you haven’t had your annual viewing of John Roberts’ “The Christmas Tree” yet, here you go.

• 2012-12-13

  

  Alex Watt, fancy man.