Susanna Wolff's Web Presents

My main goal in life is to live somewhere that is cleaned frequently enough that, before I get into bed at night, I don’t have to wipe crumbs off my feet.

Hey Tumblr,

I get that you’re making money by advertising “The Purge,” and I want you to have a successful business and everything, but this spooky face and the gently billowing nightgown .gif in my Radar is scaring the shit out of me. Can I have a different ad please? Something innocuous like Dial hand soap or Green Giant baby carrots. I’ll probably buy those things.

Thanks,

Susanna

To put that in perspective: I’ve been working at CollegeHumor since Bush was president, practically no one used Twitter, and people were still complaining about Facebook’s stupid new “news feed” feature.

I think I need to take a vacation day just so I can catch up on TV.

Has anyone ever actually used Angie’s List?

Is Nickelodeon footing the wardrobe bill for all the people they slime? It seems like a lot of fancy outfits are getting ruined.

If anyone has the inside scoop, please let me know. I’m unreasonably curious about this.

Eating a 3-inch rod of rock-hard Tootsie Roll is the least attractive thing a person can do.

I generally don’t like to be a sentimental person, but after what has probably been the best year of my life, I want to take this time to publicly thank my constant, loyal partner.

Happy one year anniversary, Balloon That’s Been Stuck in the Tree Outside My Window. You make every day better.

1. Only eat foods that come in really hard to open packages. You burn calories in the struggle, and, by the time you reach the food, you probably won’t even want it anymore!

2. Only eat food you hate. You’ll still eat it because you’re hungry, but you’ll complain the whole time!

3. Only eat soufflés you make yourself. You don’t know how to make soufflés!

4. Only eat crunchy foods in silent rooms full of people trying to work. The amount of time you spend trying to quietly slow-chew will make you think you’ve eaten more than you have!

5. Eat less.

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady just had a daughter they named Vivian Lake. Here’s how I think that naming conversation went down:

Tom Brady: Sexy Wife, what should we name our daughter?

Gisele Bundchen: I don’t know, Sexy Husband. Is she a Sexy Baby?

Tom Brady: Probably.

Gisele Bundchen: Ok. We should give our Sexy Baby a sexy name.

Tom Brady: “Vivian Lake” sounds like a Sexy Actress from the forties.

Gisele Bundchen: Done. Let our Sexy Dynasty reign forever.

End scene.

-Drink every time the “The Balance of Power” graphic comes on.

-Take a shot every time Anderson Cooper wanders into frame.

-Finish your drink and the drinks of everyone around you if you are Anderson Cooper.